ROBO PASTOR - PART 4

Pam shifted into park and shut off the engine of her Ford Pinto. Everyone told her to get something newer, but she loved the feel of “her old friend” as she called it. The rebuilt motor and new paint job made it feel like she was in high school again. The shocks still needed replacing, but they would have to wait for now.

As she unlocked the door to the church office, she thought about her early days as church secretary. The congregation had unanimously approved her. Retiring from the mill after working 30 years in the front office made her the perfect person to run the ins and out of their little Baptist church. Plus, it was a part-time job, just 20 hours a week, which allowed her time with the grandchildren.

She booted up her computer, clicked on the radio, and settled in for another day at Fork in the Road Baptist Church. As she pressed “play” on the answering machine, she heard a familiar voice: “Pam, this is Fanny. Please call me when you have a chance. Bye bye, sweetie.”

While she knew it would cut at least 30 minutes from her morning, she decided to call Ms. Fanny. Her love for her was real, even if Ms. Fanny could be trying at times.

“Hello, Pam, how are you this morning? I saw it was you on the Caller ID; otherwise, I wouldn’t have picked up the phone if I didn’t recognize the number. All you get today are those salespeople, political surveys, and computers trying to steal your identity. Why one day I picked up the phone, which was a mistake, I admit, and it was the President. It said, “Hello, this is Donald Trump.” But I knew it wasn’t really the president, because why would he call me? Plus, I saw on TV where if the president calls you, it is not really him, at least right away. Some secretary calls and says that she has him on the line, and then he comes on to talk with you. But this said that it was him as soon as I picked up, so I knew it couldn’t really be him. If it were, I would have asked him how Melania was doing. She is so beautiful, don’t you think? Reminds me of when JFK and Jackie were in office. Oh, what a day; I’ll never forget it when he was shot. I cried, I really did. And Jackie was so strong. Did you ever see that picture that they took when they swore in Johnson, and Jackie is standing there obviously in shock? She was so poised and beautiful. But I think my favorite First Lady was Barbara Bush, because I could relate to her. She was an older, round woman like myself. Her dresses were nicer than mine, but I could imagine myself getting along with her real well. Unlike Jill Biden, I could never see myself getting along with her. Not because I don’t like her; it’s just that she is so smart. She’s a doctor, a professor, I think at some university. I think I’ve got that right. And Laura Bush, now she was polished, wasn’t she? I don’t know how George ever landed her. Wasn’t she a librarian? Now, Hillary, she and I don’t see eye to eye. I didn’t vote for her, even though she was a woman. But I always liked Conda Lisa Rice. She wasn’t a First Lady, I know, but she was smart and powerful. And speaking of powerful women, it’s still hard to believe that the Queen is gone. I think her son thought that he would never be king. Do you like him? I think I liked his mother better, but it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m an American. Can you imagine if we were still British subjects, though? That would feel strange, I think. And we wouldn’t have July 4, you know. Can you imagine life without July 4th? That would be a shame! But I guess we wouldn’t miss it, since we never would’ve had it in the first place. Anyway, how are you this morning, darling?”

Pam took a deep breath and decided to lunge in while she could. “I’m fine, but what was it that you needed? I got your message on the church answering machine.”

“Oh, yeah… I didn’t use to leave messages on answering machines. I felt it was just too impersonal, and I felt strange having my voice recorded. I remember the first time I heard a recording of my voice. I said, ‘That can’t be me. I don’t sound like that!’ But everybody said that I did, and I really couldn’t deny it since it was recorded. But I’d rather have my voice recorded than be in a picture or a video. Oh, Pam, I thought I’d die the first time I saw myself on video. They say pictures add 10 pounds, but I think videos add even more. I couldn’t believe I looked like that. I was mortified. I signed up for Weight Watchers that very week. That was back when they had Weight Watchers down at the community center. Do you remember that? They used to have all sorts of things down there until the money ran out. Anyway, I only went to that first meeting. They actually wanted me to get on a scale so they could see what I weighed. Can you believe that? I told them it was none of their business what I weighed and stormed right out of there. I decided to do the Dolly Parton diet instead. People snickered when I mentioned it, but it was just a simple cabbage soup diet. But I got tired of eating it. And you know what happens when you cook cabbage - the house stinks so bad. And the gas and bloating that I had. It was awful. I looked fatter than I did before, so I just quit. And Dolly, I miss her. I can’t believe she’s gone. But anyway, I called because I wanted to invite the new preacher over for supper. Are you keeping his schedule?”

Pam panicked a bit but regained her composure. “Ms. Fanny, you may have forgotten, but the new Pastor doesn’t eat.”

“Doesn’t eat- what do you mean? I’ve never met a preacher yet who doesn’t eat. Except for that one visiting preacher we had back in the late 80’s; he had a stomach condition that made him stay on a simple diet of broth and bread. Poor thing….I mean, I should know a thing or two about preachers and eating. I’ve put more friend chicken in the ministry than any other woman in these parts! So what do you mean he doesn’t eat?”

“Well, Ms. Fanny, our new pastor is a robot, remember? Robots don’t eat food; they just need electricity to charge up their batteries, and then they function with no food required.”

“Well, that beats everything I’ve ever heard in my life,” Ms. Fanny declared. “If I’d known that I couldn’t feed my new pastor, I never would’ve voted ‘yes’ for him to come. You mean to tell me that he will never have my potato salad, black-eyed peas, or coconut cake? Why, what type of preacher is that? I can’t believe this. And he’s supposed to be a Baptist!? Probably some liberal robot, too. Well, I ain’t cookin’ up no electricity over here, so I guess he’s just plain out of luck.”

“Ms. Fanny, don’t get so upset. Remember your blood pressure. Listen, there will still be other guest preachers that you can feed at revival and homecoming time. You just can’t feed our pastor.”

“You mean my pastor, I can’t feed my pastor,” Ms. Fanny said.

“I’m afraid you’re right,” Pam said gently.

“OK, sweetheart, I’ve got to go and think on this for a while. I’ll see you later,” Ms. Fanny said before hanging up the phone.

Pam breathed a sigh of relief and began to realize that this whole Robo Pastor thing was going to be much more than they originally thought.

Here’s Part 1 & Part 2

ROBO PASTOR - PART 3

Jim mashed the button on the back of the robot’s neck like the instructions said and waited to see his new “pastor” come to life.

The sound of a fan began to whirr.

“Sounds like an old desktop computer tower I used to have,” George said.

“Honestly,” Pam thought, “I wish George would just shut up for once,” as she rolled her eyes away from where he could see her.

Beeps and electrical motor sounds began filling the “cheap casket” as George had described it.

Its eyes popped open, and everyone in the room jumped back!

“Land sakes, that’s enough to give you a heart attack,” Ron said.

The robot pastor then set up at the waist.

“I feel like I’m watching a Dracula movie,” Winnie nervously whispered.

Everyone in the room held their breath, not knowing whether to laugh or run.

“Greetings, I am Robo Pastor 1.0 at your service. Please continue to set up using the App at the link that was included in your purchase receipt email.”

The robot repeated the exact same thing twice and then closed his eyes, lowered his head, and the beeps and fans faded out.

“I think it’s sleeping,” Phil said.

“Rest mode,” Ron said. “That’s what computers do to conserve energy.”

“I’m glad to have someone who is tech-savvy like you on the committee,” Winny said.

“Well, who has the app?” Jim asked.

“Well, don’t look at me,” Pam said defensively. “Just because I’m the church secretary doesn’t mean I have to run everything. I already have to keep up with that annoying church website. Am I supposed to program the pastor too?!”

“Calm down,” Jim said. “We’re a team. We’re not going to dump all of this on you.”

“Who has the email with the receipt?” Winny asked.

“I guess the church treasurer does,” Jim replied.

“Well, get her on the phone before we get any older looking at Frankenstein here,” George gruffed.

“I’d like to stuff you in that cheap casket,” Pam thought as she smiled at George.

“It went to her voicemail,” Jim said.

Part 2

Sue sat in the chair next to the man she had loved for 45 years.

With the oxygen mask covering most of his well-groomed beard, she couldn’t see those lips that she kissed every morning.

Everything had happened so quickly.

She was only gone for ten minutes while she ran next door to check on her elderly neighbor Margaret.

She’ll never forget that feeling as long as she lives. Seeing him slumped over in his chair like that as she walked through the door.

“Tom, Tom,” she had cried out as she shook him. But he just slumped over more.

It all seemed like a dream. She didn’t even know how she called 911 as she was shaking so badly.

And the chest compressions by the EMT’s - she just stood there stunned, tears running down her face.

But at least he had made it. He was stable. That’s what the doctor said. The surgery was successful, but the next 48 hours were crucial.

She tried not to think about it, but she just couldn’t shake the feeling of being without him.

What would she do? How would she make it? How could she go on?

“Mrs. Lyons?” The voice startled her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you Mrs. Lyons?”

“Yes… I’m Mrs. Lyons, Shirley Lyons.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Chaplain Vengetti. I work for the hospital, and I just came by to check on you. I’m curious, are you a member of any religious group or church? Do you have a pastor who will be ministering to you during this time?”

She went to say “yes,” but the word got stuck in her throat.

“How should she answer this question?” she thought.

She now had a robot for a pastor.

“Ah, well, sort of. We’re in kind of a transition time at our church.”

“Very well. If it’s OK, I would still like to stop by and check on you,” the Chaplain said warmly.

“Yes, that would be nice. Thank you. I think we’re going to need all the support and prayers we can get.”

“That’s good,” Bill yelled.

Jim cut off the ignition and eased out of the driver’s seat.

The other members of the team shuffled toward the back of the pickup, excited, as Bill lowered the tailgate.

“It looks like a cheap casket,” George said.

Pam lightly struck George with her folder full of meeting minutes and said, “Oh, George, what a thing to say.”

Before them lay the future of their church. The future of millions of churches! The label on the box almost seemed comical: “Robo Pastor.”

They could hardly believe they had convinced their little Baptist church to go along with their plan. A robotic pastor! But the model they ordered looked a lot like Brett Baire off of Fox News. Deacon Jones really liked that.

The thought that they could program this thing to be exactly what they wanted in a pastor is what really sold the idea. Plus, no housing, salary, or health insurance required! They had opted for the extra warranty and maintenance plan, “just in case.” They would have a monthly payment for the next seven years, but it wasn’t much more than the church bus payment, which they paid off early.

“I’m so excited,” Winny squealed. Of course, as boring as Winny was, anything was exciting to her.

Ron & Phil, the “young guns” on the search team, wrestled the heavy crate off the truck and into the classroom where the team had their weekly meetings.

Phil pulled out the box cutter that he used at the grocery store and began cutting through the plastic that bound their future pastor.

“Careful,” Mary said. Mary was so cautious and scared that she barely left her house. Their former pastor, Rev. Davis, had often counseled her concerning her anxiousness. It had cost her so much, including her chance for marriage. She was just too afraid to say “yes” when Frank popped the question. In the back of her mind, she wondered if this new “pastor” would be a better counselor than Rev. Davis.

They held their breath when Ron lifted the lid. Now, it really did feel like they were looking into a casket.

Before them lay a body. It did look like Brett Baire. It was almost eerie.

“He” wore a black suit, starched white shirt, and a black tie. A perfectly pastoral look, ready for weddings, funerals, and the Sunday sermon.

They removed the charging stand from the top of his legs, the Styrofoam from around the edges of his body, and the tape that held his mouth and eyes closed.

“How do you turn it on?” Jim said.

“The book said to press the button on the back of his neck underneath his shirt collar,” Pam said.

Jim slid his hand behind the head of his new “Pastor,” looking for the button.

“Found it,” he said, smiling, “But I’m a little afraid to push it.”

“Go for it,” Winny said.

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